The Power Of No
By Maggi Forootan
The truth: We live in a Yes/No world. Yes, you should look both ways before crossing a street. No you shouldn’t touch a hot stove.
So often I catch myself comparing dog training to parenting. Most of us agree that a good parent understands that in order to teach a child they will have to say no…a lot. When parents have a hard time setting boundaries for their kids, or saying no, their kids eventually turn into bratty, entitled, disrespectful little humans that, in the grand scheme of things, may turn into not so awesome adult members of society.
The same is true for dogs. If you struggle with saying no to your dog, he/she will push boundaries, be uncertain about how to behave, and have a very difficult time trying to navigate life in the human world.
Imagine this: we’re playing the hot/cold game. I put you in a room and tell you to find a twenty dollar bill that’s hidden there. I guide you by saying “hotter” when you’re getting closer and “colder” when you’re moving farther away from the hidden twenty. With all of the yes/no information you’re getting from me you would find the twenty pretty quickly (and then you would take me to lunch : ) ) But what would happen if I only said “hotter” when you were close to the twenty, and said nothing when you were moving away from it? How much longer would it take you? How frustrated would you be? How hungry would we be by the time you found it and we could go to lunch?! The answer is a lot! You would struggle, and maybe even give up.
Saying no is part of life. In order to maintain positive, healthy relationships with the people in our lives we sometimes have to say no to them. Setting boundaries with others is one of the healthiest things we can do to preserve our own happiness. It gets hard with our dogs though because the Yes (saying good boy/girl, petting and showing affection, handing out tasty treats) makes us feel good. The No (correcting your dog for non-compliance or unwanted behavior, laying down the law or establishing rules, withholding treats, affection, and freedom in order to teach) is the hard part, and definitely doesn’t conjure up the feel good vibe like the Yes.
But, here’s the thing. Sometimes you have to put your dog’s needs before your own and do what’s best for him/her, not just what makes you feel good in the moment. Just like with kids!
The good news! When you find that perfect balance between Yes and No with your dog, you will start to be able to share more and more of the feel good Yes stuff. How cool is that?!
P.S. about the No, it doesn’t have to be loud, painful, harsh, or mean…you just have to mean it : )
Note: My inspiration for writing this blog was, in part, that in the dog training industry there are two rather distinct camps. The Balanced camp, where generally speaking the training philosophy embraces the use of both positive and negative reinforcement, and the Purely Positive camp where, in the extreme, even saying No to your dog is frowned upon. Some Purely Positive trainers will go to great lengths to attack other trainers for using any form of correction regardless of how fair, and mild it might be. They erroneously believe that correcting your dog will result in some irreparable fallout, and that the dog will learn to fear you, be shut down, and maybe become aggressive. Sadly, in the more extreme cases, when their positive only methods fail they often recommend that the dogs be surrendered to a shelter or put down. Dog training is never black and white. Every dog is different, and every dog requires a custom approach. Good Balanced dog trainers use positive reinforcement techniques about 90% of the time during the training process. When corrections are necessary they are administered in a fair, well timed, humane way. Now, this doesn’t mean that harsh, aversive trainers aren’t out there…they are. But in the 10 plus years that I have spent in the training industry learning from the best Balanced trainers in the country, I have never witnessed any negative fallout, or physical/psychological damage with any dog trained using a Balanced approach. It simply doesn’t exist.